My breasts are like melons, so I’ll do the cooking!

We nudists like to think that once we’ve got our kit off we shed our differences and become equals. Without clothes, we tell ourselves, we are all the same.

Not so, say the experts. The bad news for nudist women is that according to “sex researcher” Piero Lorenzoni our personalities are revealed by the shape of our breasts. In fact the bosom of a woman identifies her character even more than Zodiac signs do. Even without our clothes our secrets are laid bare.

This crackpot theory is based upon the ancient science of Sternomancy, which compares the shape of women’s breasts with fruit, berries and even vegetables and then assigns a personality traits to each shape.  Here’s a taster, if you’ll forgive the pun.

Apple breasts.
A round bosom usually denotes a hard-working housewife. Although she will also work tirelessly to please her man in bed, she is intrinsically frigid and rarely experiences an orgasm.  ‘Apples’ do not like changing their sex partners.

Cherry breasts.
Cherry-breasted women are amiable, entertaining and easy-going. They make good long-term partners, but are only moderately interested in sex. Women with small breasts that look like cherries are pleasantly sociable.

Pear breasts.

Pear shaped breasts

If you’re married to a pear-breasted woman look out! You’re guaranteed fantastic sex, but you might find that the love of your life is putting it around like a sailor on shore leave. She is inclined to be a highly sexual person who is unlikely to be satisfied by one man. She is also wilful, independent and not the sharpest tool in the box, which makes her an exciting partner but not one you’d like to take home to meet your mum.

Lemon breasts.
Lemon-breasted women are full of life, with a great sense of humour and are capable of laughing at  themselves. Lively they may be, but on the whole they prefer to lead a quiet lifestyle. These often make the ideal mate.

Melon breasts.
Women with melon-shaped breasts like being looked at. They appreciate good food, and like to be inventive in the kitchen. Unfortunately for her mate, the melon-boob is not so inventive in the bedroom, as although she likes to flirt she isn’t much interested in sex.

The fox’s nose breast. (Huh? What happened to the fruit?)
A fox’s nose girl has a springboard-shaped bosom. No. I’ve no idea what that looks either, but apparently she is usually very smart but reserved. She is inclined to laziness, which means that a girl with a fox’s nose rack is unlikely to achieve anything significant at a professional level. Don’t despair, however, because a ‘fox’ can become a very good wife for practically any man, which is why such women usually build successful families.

Nipples can also tell a lot about a woman.

A well-shaped protruding nipple.
A woman with nipples like a pair of light switches is powerful and dominating, and prefers to be on top, both in the relationship and in bed.

A small and inverted nipple.
This girl is shy and reserved. She doesn’t see anything special about sex, but is happy to cater to the bedroom fantasies of her man.

Oh dear. Not much comfort there then. It seems whatever the shape of your knockers you’re either frigid, slutty, boring, lazy or thick.  And don’t think you can make things better by surgical enhancements, as the sexperts say that ” a woman with silicon breasts can be a very good partner on holidays, just for a week or so, but one should not devote a whole life to those women. Nearly all silicon beauties have serious psychological issues. They are not certain of themselves and have many complexes. Sex with a woman with a pair of silicon breasts is just a formality”.

Hmm. Nice.

Now ladies, before you write to me in protest let me remind you that I didn’t come up with this theory; I merely point it out to you. As a matter of fact I think it’s just about as ludicrous –and as insulting–as the equally spurious hypothesis that you can judge a woman’s personality from the shape of her pubic bush.

It may not have escaped your notice that both of these daft “sciences” have been developed by men, and both happen to involve an in-depth study of the traditionally erotic parts of the female anatomy. So let’s put them down as the product of middle-aged male fantasy masquerading as science and waste no more time on them.

Because, dear reader, I want to reveal, for the very first time in public, my own revolutionary scientific theory. It’s called  the science of peni-pinch-ology and it proposes that there is a very definite correlation between the size and shape of a man’s penis and the health or otherwise of his bank account.

I have to point out that my theory is still in the very early stages. I haven’t yet got any actual results.

But boy am I looking forward to the research!

Any volunteers?

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